I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
