I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
