I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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