New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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