tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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