then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
