I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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