You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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