Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
