doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
