We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
