I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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