We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
