im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
