I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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