Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
