I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
