OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
