There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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