Someone shit on the floor
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
