Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
