My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
