he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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