you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
