I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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