just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
