just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
