that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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