I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
