i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Congratulations! We have a period
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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