I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
