I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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