I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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