i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
