new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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