She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my shit smells like andre
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
