Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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