I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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