I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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