Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
