those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
