If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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