See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
