You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
