He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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