guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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