she woke up with a sticky ear
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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