oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
