I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
