I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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