i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
